Graardor during happier times

For hundreds of years, Bandos had been kicking up trouble, spilling people's pints and going around happy slapping[1]. On numerous occasions, people he pissed off had a go at him back. This would be where a bodyguard would come in. However, smart bodyguards knew he was a prick and therefore didn't help him. This caused Bandos to search for the dumbest possible bodyguard. At first it was a down-on-his-luck Jogre, who after a bit found a talent for acting and is known found in the Shrek films. Then, Bandos struck gold, and found the thickest bodyguard possible, General Graardor.

General Graardor is an Ourg, which if you say it out loud people nearby will think you've done a particularly strange burp. He's got the body the size of a house but� a brain the size of a flea. He also shouts to himself random war commands, such as 'Break their bones!' or 'Bwaaargh!', the second one is heard is rapid succession, and also proves he is not an exception to Rule 34.

Before being banished to a small chamber in the God Wars Dungeon, Graardor was arrested continously for many offences, such as:

  • Being drunk and disorderly
  • Theft of alcohol

And in one case:

  • Sexually assaulting an Icyene[2].

Killing GraardorEdit

Graardor is considered the easiest of the God Wars dungeon bosses, due to the glaring fact he is 1. always drunk, and 2. thick as shit. However, drunken things are sorta dangerous, and by simply punching you in the face, he can do up to 600 damage, his accuracy with this is low (he's as drunk as shit, he's bound to miss you, to him there's 2 of you) but are you really gonna gamble with GRAARDOR PAUNCH!!!!!!!?

Unless your brain is smaller than his, you'll probably be wanting to use Protection from Melee, as this stops you getting KOed faster than a speeding autoer on his way to the flax field. However, if he drinks a bit more Bandos Budwieser, he becomes do drunk he goes WHAM! into the ground, making a shockwave that will knock your Dragon boots clean off. He also spams this like a bitch, hey, you can't have the best of both worlds can you?

He also has 3 minions, like K'ril Tsutsaroth and Kree'Arra, although they are also as dumb as shit. One of them hits you with a ball and chain, despite the fact its a melee attack and you're kinda praying against that. Theres also one with a seemingly endless amount of axes, either that or he's abusing a bug, which is strange as there are never any bugs in PruneScape.

The third and final one does magic attacks, which hit EVERY FUCKING TIME due to you kinda using warrior armour, which as you were told back in Noobland, doesn't do well against magic now does it?

In summary, Jagex has you over a barrel and you know it.


Graardor drops Green bones, which are worth 15k for some reason, along with other stuff. Usually you get noted coal, but sometimes you get snapdragon herbs. Oddly, you can smoke these, which explains why Graardor walks like a total bloody retard. There are few "OMFG I'M RICH!" items, including the Bandos Chestplate and Tassets which are worth over 20M due to the PruneScape community's obsession with strength bonuses[3]. There is also a pair of shit boots, and a Bandos hilt, which when added to a Godsword blade, makes a Godsword with a special attack that never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever hits. Ever.

Oh, and he drops snapdragon seeds for the budding farmer. Graardor is so shit that a farmer could stroll in and beat him to death with a rake anyway.

See alsoEdit


  1. Apparently he thought he was in Manchester.
  2. Moar rule 34 for rune-fappers.
  3. Anyone with a brain would use Torags.