Klaus nomi

Nothing can beat the Void Knight's sense in fasion

Pest Control was originally a breeding ground for pures to leech off no-lifers in order to become no-lifers themselves. Unfortually some point in the middle of 2007 Jagex "accidentally" nerfed the unholy freaking hell out of it causing an army of spammers yelling out their ancient war cry of "ZOMFGBBQ!1!!one!1@@@" and DDoS'ing the rants forum with ASCII drawings of Kermit the Frog.

Starting offEdit

So you've finally reached level 40 after autoing at rock crabs for 2 days? or are you that mildly retarded level 80 with the dragon longsword and rune armour who thinks he's bigger that Jesus (but smaller than The Beatles)? Well you've come to the right place.

First of all, you will need to find a boat...Hmm...You have 3 choices:

  1. The Novice boat. This wins 90% of the time, so you can just deal your 50 damage for zeal and spend the rest of the game having an argument with some wanaabe pure about who would win in a fight- Batman or Ronald McDonald.
  2. The Eternally-losing boat. Some say this boat is cursed, others say that the only players you see here are a pack of level 80's who are too stupid to realise that they are more likely to find Zezima in world 1 Lumbridge than to win a game.
  3. The Veteran Boat, only those who devote their whole lives to the game will earn the right to step foot on this holy boat. This boat has a win ratio of 0.00001% which is extremely high compared to #2. The only way you are going to win here is to find some no-life shouting out "Trade for 120+" and constantly pester and annoy the crap out of him until someone leaks the world, at that point, you have about 7.8 nanoseconds to hop before the swarm approaches and ruins it. See, this is why we can't have nice things


The game starts off with 25 people in the boat, 5 of these people will actually be playing, whilst the rest will get 50 damage and then sit on their ass doing nothing and occasually yell out "omg we lose, yew guise suk!" The players have to wait until the knight dressed as Klaus Nomi opens the portals (once every 42 hours) so the players can ZERG RUSH the portals and leave the knight to get more holes drilled into him than Willy Wonka at the dentist.

The MonstersEdit

Whilst waiting for the 5 level 100s to attack the portals, you will encounter more random freaks spawning out of the portals than a anime cosplay convention:

  • Brawlers: Big-ass deformed ape creatures that look like they are made out of lego.
  • Spinners: Spinners are basicly annoying ass metroid rip-offs that will most likely cause you to have a mental break down when they start healing the portals, if you see them immediately yell out "OMFG KILL THEM U NUBS!11!1" as this is the only way to win the game (no exceptions).
  • Defilers: Screwed-up alien cats that look like badly drawn Invader Zim fanart.
  • Torchers: Flying Deli-style pork sauasges that rocket launch molten meatballs, unfortunately these are Tesco-value meatballs, and consuming them will most likely result in death- or in extreme cases, waking up alone in a dark room with an unusual taste of purple in your mouth.
  • Ravagers: Don't bother closing that gate after you...
  • Portals: Orginally used as decorations for the Gay Pride parade, these flowerly dreamcatchers have about 700 defence and require a barrage of nuclear weapons and a Low-Orbit-Ion-Cannon to even inflict 1hp of damage to.


If you somehow actually manage to win a few (hundred) games the void knights will give you something from their magical sack of toys, this ranges from microscopic amounts of experience points to your own personal Klaus Nomi outfit, complete with a melee helmet that makes you look like a bager, a tennis helmet that you will eventually lose in World 18 along with your Dork bow, and a Mage helmet...which is just plain crap, and makes you look like the reverse KKK. There is also a pack of useless herbs (you can't even smoke them) for 15 points, a pile of dirt, also for 15 points, and if you really want to waste you time, for 250 points, you can buy a Void knight mace (more like Void Shite mace) which makes about as much sense as a football bat.